Do you feel lonely, even though you are surrounded by people?
Are you processing your fears on your own and wish you could share them?
In these strange times, do you find yourself glued to a screen all day and all night?
In 1998 I worked for a humanitarian organisation. Tasked with setting up a local branch in Belgium, I moved from The Netherlands where I’d lived for just 2 years, to Brussels, Belgium. A new city; where I didn’t have a social network or an office to go to as I worked from home (yes, the NGO sector started remote working long before the rest). But in June of 1999, NATO started bombing Kosovo and refugees flooded Albania where we had a substantial operation. My boss asked me to head up the delivery of humanitarian packages to the local and refugee population together with the local team on the ground, and off I went. Traveling between Belgium and Albania, being away for weeks and months on end, I never quite managed to build a life for myself.
At some point, I started to feel deflated, had little to no energy to exercise, let alone make steps towards meeting new people; loneliness had set in. I found myself in a downward spiral. I remember getting the flu and generally not feeling physically strong whilst feeling mentally down and vulnerable. Without another job in sight, I left the job I loved. With the luxury of hindsight, loneliness was one of the main reasons I made that move.
Now that we are all cooped up in Covid-19 quarantine I have been thinking about that time in my life a lot. I can really imagine some people feeling disconnected and lonely with potentially negative consequences.
But what is loneliness actually? Does it necessarily have negative consequences? I have been digging around to find out more. And have not been disappointed. So much has been written and researched about loneliness.
Let’s start by defining it.
One of the pioneers of social neuroscience, John Cacioppo, theorized that loneliness is a key driving force of the human species. It evolved as a necessity for survival. Where seeking out and collaborating with others, improved our rate of survival when looking for food and protecting ourselves against predators. From an evolutionary perspective, loneliness is what makes us search for connection with others (1).
Loneliness is furthermore described as feeling subjectively disconnected from our community. And according to Vivek Murth, the former USA surgeon general, is often associated with a lack of meaning and self worth (2). It is important to note though, that being alone doesn’t automatically put you in the category of being lonely. We all have that friend who is perfectly happy to live on her own whilst feeling connected to herself and her community.
So loneliness is not the same as being alone. It is a subjective feeling of disconnection and is an important drive for us that propels us to seek out connection.
Now, to the other question I raised: does loneliness have a negative impact on our wellbeing? The simple answer is that although being alone can be restorative at times, the experience of being chronically lonely does become a problem.
Cacioppo explains that loneliness triggers our threat response. When triggered for a prolonged period of time, it will cause biological responses such as high blood pressure and inflammation, which in turn will have harmful effects on people’s health and life expectancy.
Through a meta-analysis of studies on loneliness (i.e. statistically analysing the findings of many different studies to extract overarching findings), Holt-Lunstad and her associates Smith and Layton find that loneliness has a negative impact on our health (3). They discover that, “Being disconnected…posed comparable danger to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and was more predictive of early death than the effects of air pollution or physical inactivity” (4).
Vivek Murthy mentions that loneliness also has impacts on the workplace since it negatively affects our productivity and creativity (5).
Whether loneliness is a growing phenomenon or not is still being debated in the world of social sciences. This, however, doesn’t negate the fact that many people are experiencing loneliness. For example, Tracey Crouch, British MP, states that in the UK, “one in five doctor’s appointments are solely to do with loneliness rather than other medical conditions” (6). From this ‘social prescribing’ evolved: where GPs prescribe a patient to partake in social activities such as joining a walking group.
How do we to tackle loneliness?
According to Vivek Murthy, consciously introducing time where we are fully present with family or friends is important. By this he means we take time to engage without our daily distractions such as social media and television. Another solution he suggests is taking time ‘serving other people’, as this takes our attention away from ourselves and towards the other. Thereby increasing our sense of value through giving, and our sense of “worth to add to society, which is powerful and helpful in strengthening our connection to self” (7). John Cacioppo says that talking about being lonely is also important in the quest to overcome it (8). Even though he acknowledges that it is something difficult to own up to and share with others.
At the organizational level, leaders can lead by example. They can, safeguard family and friends time for themselves and their team members; help colleagues out; and engage with colleagues at a deeper level (2).
Changing our behaviour can, however, be difficult at times. We may feel unable to make even the tiniest step to alter our situation. With our agency lacking, we tend to maintain the status quo and stay in our comfort zone. If that no longer works for you and you recognise yourself in this story please check out my ‘Radically Reconnect’ programme. Through this programme, you will find a deeper awareness of where you are now, what gets in your way of progress and your own path forward. You will find a like-minded community to share and grow with. You will experiment with practices and learn relevant theory on how bodies and minds interact and react, with the aim of adding to your toolbox of resilience.
If you’re curious, you can reserve your space now. For questions or individual coaching please contact me.
Sources:
(1) https://freakonomics.com/podcast/loneliness/ & https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/04/how-loneliness-begets-loneliness/521841/
(3) https://journals.plos.org/plosmedicine/article?id=10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
(6) https://freakonomics.com/podcast/loneliness/
(8) https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/04/how-loneliness-begets-loneliness/521841/